Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
