Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
