If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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