well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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