half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
