i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
