Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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