And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
