she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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