Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
