Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
