she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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