So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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