Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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