i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
