I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
