I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
