I am spending my child support on dildos
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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