Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
