Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
