I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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