She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
