and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just had sex on a roof
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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