well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
