dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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