so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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