I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
