I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
