yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
