She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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