oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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