Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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