you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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