Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
