Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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