I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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