I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
