I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
