I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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