Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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