Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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