when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
