Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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