I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
