having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
