I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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