I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
