It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
