Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
