You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
