i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
People in love make me want to vomit
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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